‘I’m sorry, Mama.’
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Ch. 18.1
It was not until she had seen Cheng Xinzhi out that Jingwan felt a weight was off her shoulders. The next day, her parents were busy with all the wedding preparations as the auspicious day was just around the corner. The house was bustling with people and activity. Several of her female cousins had come over and were keeping Jingwan company upstairs. They chatted and laughed, the time flew by and soon it was midday. It was only then that a thought occurred to her.
‘How come I haven’t seen today’s newspaper yet?’
One cousin commented laughingly, ‘Our Jingwan has always been like a boy and since she subscribes to the notion that ‘women are not inferior to men’, she must keep up with current affairs. Looks like Jianzhang will have to play second fiddle next time.’
Being magnanimous by nature, Jingwan merely laughed off this joke at her expense before telling Mingxiang to fetch the newspapers.
The latter went out but returned empty-handed a while later to report, ‘There are so many guests today, goodness knows who’s taken it.’
Another cousin remarked, ‘What’s so interesting about the papers? All they talk about is the fighting. But my father says that this battle will be over soon: this morning’s headlines were about Russia declaring war on the Cheng Army. Papa says that the Cheng Army is facing attack from the front and the rear¹ and is bound to suffer a crushing defeat.’
¹ 腹背受敌 fùbèi-shòudí. If you’re not reading this chapter at hiding in plain sight, it has been stolen and reproduced by novelscraping sites.
There was a crash. It turned out to be a pot of hot tea which Jingwan had dropped. An alarmed Mingxiang was asking repeatedly, ‘Did you scald yourself, Miss?’
Jingwan was pale but replied with tolerable composure, ‘No, I didn’t.’
Mingxiang hastily began sweeping up the shards while muttering, ‘A broken thing is like a blooming flower, symbolising wealth, honour and splendour.’
Jingwan had pressed a hand to her heart but there was an absent smile on her face as she murmured, ‘Where did you learn to be so long-winded?’
Mingxiang pursed her lips and said, ‘Who else but Wu Mā? She says that we have to remember auspicious sayings like these since we’re preparing for the wedding.’
Some cousins looking through Jingwan’s trousseau had begun taking out the jewellery and head ornaments, exclaiming admiringly over every piece. Young ladies gathered together were a lively lot to begin with and even more so now when they were looking at jewellery, with one praising the intricacy of a piece and another exclaiming over the costliness of a different item. Beads of cold sweat had broken out on Jingwan’s forehead. The conversation and laughter in the room would suddenly grow distant then near and had a buzzing quality to her ears. She pulled herself together. Due to the wedding, her room was festooned with celebratory hanging scrolls and colourful flowers so that it was a riot of colour everywhere. There were many brocade boxes in the room, all housing her trousseau that would be sent over the next morning. A small Western-style clock sat on her dressing table, its crystal pendulum oscillating steadily and gazing at the back-and-forth motion for some time induced a feeling of dizziness as if the entire room were spinning.
Master and Madam Yin were busy entertaining guests and it was not until three or four in the afternoon that the latter was able to go upstairs and see her daughter. The cousins had all gone down to listen to the opera, but Jingwan was sitting by herself staring blankly into space.
Madam Yin asked tenderly, ‘I heard from Wu Ma that you didn’t really eat anything? How come you’re so flushed?’
Jingwan reached up. Her cheek was hot to the touch, like she was having a fever, and it felt as if there were another fiercer fire burning within her heart. There was a lost expression in her eyes as she said softly, ‘Ma.’
Madam Yin stroked her head affectionately and Jingwan’s eyes suddenly filled with tears.
‘Ma, I’m so afraid.’
Madam Yin was taken aback for a moment but laughed the next instant and said, ‘Silly girl, what is there to be afraid of? A girl must marry once she comes of age.’
Jingwan though seemed to be on the verge of tears that she was suppressing with difficulty as she bit her lower lip hard.
Madam Yin could not help feeling somewhat alarmed and added hastily, ‘Dearest, you know everyone in the Yin family very well so it will be just like being at home. Moreover, you’ll still be living in the city, so it’ll be very convenient should you want to come home next time.’
Jingwan couldn’t hold back her tears at last and when Madam Yin saw this, she too felt grieved for some reason. She reached out and enveloped her daughter into a hug who said tearfully, ‘I’m sorry, Mama.’
Madam Yin patted her back soothingly and said, ‘Nonsense, what do you have to feel sorry for? My greatest comfort is knowing that you’re happy.’ She continued, ‘You’ve always been sensible. You should be happy — remember that it’s a most auspicious occasion.’
Jingwan went ‘mhm’ and buried her face in her mother’s embrace, holding her tightly around the waist, unwilling to let go for the longest time. When Madam Yin thought about how this only daughter was going to be married on the morrow, she too could not bear the thought of separation and began to talk of how newly married women ought to behave and adding words of comfort.
According to custom, Xu Jianzhang was not supposed to see her before the wedding, so he telephoned her at dusk. Jingwan was full of conflicted emotions when she took his call and was at a loss as to what to say to him. Jianzhang merely assumed that she was tired and spoke of some matters relating to the wedding ceremony the next day before ending with, ‘Well then, you had better have an early night.’
She made an affirmative sound and he was just about to hang up when she said suddenly, ‘Jianzhang.’
He responded, ‘Yes?’ Only a faint crackling and the sound of his breathing, long and measured, were heard.
She replied softly, ‘Nothing really, I just wanted to say your name.’
She sometimes had these little girl moments. Xu Jianzhang’s heart warmed and he said, ‘Have an early night. We’ll be able to meet tomorrow.’
Jingwan was silent for a long moment and then finally responded, ‘You should rest early too. Goodbye.’
She hung up and got to her feet. A stage had been set up in the main part of the house for opera performances and the muffled sounds of gongs and drums could be heard. Clang, clang… Her heart was pounding harder than the drums as she checked the items in her handbag: a photo she had taken with her parents; two thick rolls of banknotes; a handful of coins; and that gold pocket watch. After a moment’s thought, she wrapped ‘Yue’ up in a handkerchief and tucked it away at the bottom of the handbag.
Most of the guests had gone to the main hall to listen to opera when she stole downstairs. As the banquet was about to start shortly, the servants were all bustling about and no one noticed her at that point. Going out the back gate, she went into the deserted garden where the trees had been garlanded with small multi-coloured flags that were fluttering softly in the breeze.
The penetrating sounds of gongs and drums² from the main hall were still audible. She could faintly make out ‘The Lotus Alliance’ being performed and the lines ‘I exchange my brocaded clothes and hairpin for thornwood hairpins and hemp skirts, I’ll go through thick and thin with you.’
The unwavering resolution with which that vow was being sung was strangely comforting somehow and helped take the edge off Jingwan’s fright, except that her knees were still a bit wobbly. Fortunately she did not run into anyone.
² 鑼鼓喧天 luógǔ-xuāntiān. Please consider reading from theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com rather than from novelscraping sites.
The back gate was unlocked. Lao Li, the porter, was sitting on a rattan chair with his head back and mouth wide open, having been lulled to sleep by the cool breeze. The big yellow mongrel dog he kept only wagged its tail lazily upon seeing Jingwan who slipped out by the back gate the next moment.
Emerging from the alley, she saw several rickshaws waiting for passengers. Getting into one, she told the rickshaw puller, ‘To Nancheng, as fast as possible.’ The rickshaw puller took in her appearance, recognised her as coming from a wealthy family and coupled with the fact that she did not even ask about the cost, surmised that this was an important customer. Fired up by this prospect, he bowled along so swiftly that she was at Nancheng within a short time.
She knew that what she was doing was nothing short of scandalous and even Mr Yan looked shocked to see her there. She did not waste time on explanations and merely declared, ‘I want to go to Yongxin.’
Mr Yan recovered quickly and, despite the unsuppressed flash of admiration in his eyes, pointed out, ‘Fighting has intensified between the two armies and communications have been disrupted. You cannot take such a risk, Miss.’
Jingwan turned obstinate and lifted her chin stubbornly. ‘Since he was able to come in, then you must have a way to get me out. The city gates will be closing soon and if I don’t succeed in leaving today, then I may not get another chance ever again.’
Mr Yan muttered irresolutely, ‘You’re a delicate female and the fighting is no laughing matter. If anything should happen to you, how am I, Yan Shichang, going to answer to Sixth Marshal?’
Jingwan gave an impatient stamp of her foot. ‘I’m not afraid so why should you be?’
Yan Shichang pondered for a few moments more before finally making up his mind. He looked up and said, ‘Then please wait here while I make the necessary arrangements.’
(Approx. 1670 words)
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Translated and edited by 12
hiding in plain sight 
12 just wanted to ask that didn’t murong feng died in siege in fog drama ..just wanted to clear the confusion..
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Hi Minahil, no, he didn’t in the novel! He went back north after the secret negotiations with Yi Liankai. There were intentions to assassinate him but it didn’t come to anything. Hope this helps to clarify! Thanks for your comment! 😊 Edit: He died in the drama, episode 45 (my brief recap mentions it)
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