Even if she was as pathetic as a weed, she had already been abandoned by him and from that moment on, she had never wanted him to look back.
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Ch. 31.1
The dance band was tuning its instruments at the other end of the dance floor. The first number was a waltz: its muted opening notes sounded like the ripples on a dark blue lake or the tinkling of a bronze bell hanging from the eaves, swaying in the breeze.
Susu was unwittingly and slightly entranced and by the time she recovered herself, he was already holding out his hand to her from some way away. She thus had to place her hand in his. His hand was slightly cool but his movements were as practised as ever as they circled and turned… All around them was a sea of richly dressed figures and only now, only at this moment, was there justification for raising her face slightly and gazing quietly at him.
He looked away quickly as if by instinct but a second or two later, he met her gaze again. His own was tender which almost gave her the wrong impression, causing her cheeks to flush slightly and her breath to quicken. Then she was feeling as light as a butterfly and his arms were her only support as he led her gracefully across the richly decorated dance floor. Gradually, the music drowned out every other sound and they went whirling, whirling… whirling until she was slightly giddy. The music was a magnificent sea swelling with unstoppable momentum¹ while his eyes were like an infinite abyss. She didn’t have the strength to try and look into the chasm again lest she leap recklessly down into it. A series of twirls later and he had led her off the bustling dance floor. The music gradually climbed to a crescendo, reaching a beautiful climax, then the world dimmed before her eyes and she found herself standing in the shadow of a hedgerow.
¹ 波瀾壯闊. If you’re not reading this chapter at hiding in plain sight, it has been stolen and reproduced by novelscraping sites.
Suddenly, he was kissing her: his tensed arms binding her, neither allowing her to hide nor to struggle. He had always been this overbearing and that familiar yet remote warmth caused her entire body to go limp, while the weight on her lips once again stole her breath away in an instant. He was greedily devouring her, like a traveller who had just crossed a vast desert, was dying of thirst and had just found his first, sweet spring water. His demands were urgent, fearless and even his breathing was uneven and rapid.
She didn’t want this, didn’t want him to do this; she knew very well that he was once again in lust with her. She no longer had the strength to suffer the pain of loss, so she could only refuse; refuse his treating her this way: the way he treated the many brilliant flowers by his side, occasionally recalling their existence and taking pity on them. Even if she was as pathetic as a weed, she had already been abandoned by him and from that moment on, she had never wanted him to look back.
She struggled fiercely and he let go of her abruptly. She gazed at him quietly, watching as the faint, fiery spark in his eyes slowly died out and they became remote. This had her feeling fearless instead and she met his sharp gaze directly. A sneer touched the corners of his mouth before he flung her hand aside, turned round and stalked off, cutting across the dance floor directly and disappearing into the crowd of merry guests.
It was three in the morning when everybody left and Madam Murong remarked, ‘I’m too old for all this. I’m going to bed. Susu, it’s already this late, you might as well sleep here and save yourself the trouble of having to rush over early tomorrow morning.’
Since she had already said that, Susu could only acquiesce.
Madam Murong turned her head in time to see Murong Qingyi’s figure disappearing out the door and hurriedly called out to him, ‘Lao San, where are you going this late at night?’
He replied,‘I just got a call. There’s something I have to attend to.’
Madam Murong asked, ‘Where are you going at this hour?’
Murong Qingyi insisted, ‘It really is official business which calls me away. If you don’t believe me, you can ask the men on duty.’ While saying that, he walked away so Madam Murong could only smile briefly at Susu and tell her, ‘Don’t bother with him. Go and sleep first.’
Susu went upstairs. It had been almost half a year since she had entered this bedroom but the room had not changed in its arrangements and even a pair of her slippers were still in their original place. The servants cleaned the place every day so naturally it was spotless. She knew however that he had not been in this room for quite some time for there was an antique clock at the head of the bed which he had always wound himself. The date displayed on the clock had stopped a few months ago. Of course he had other places to be.
There was a familiar hint of incense on the blanket and with the bed being so big, she lay curled up out of habit. She was about to nod off when the telephone rang suddenly. She picked up the receiver but before she could say anything, the caller complained in a soft, flirtatious voice, ‘You heartless fellow, do you want to keep me waiting until dawn?’
She smiled sadly. Her heart, already riddled with gaping wounds, was too numb to feel pain. She said softly, ‘He’s already on his way, so you won’t have to wait until dawn.’
(In the study, unspecified time and day.)
A beauty was wan for three years². She had once lost four years and now this time, she had lost again another very long year — except that this time it was forever.
The study was as spacious and quiet as a valley and the only sounds seemed to come from the rustling of her clothes. Outside, cold rain was pattering on the window lattice. The telephone in the hall rang suddenly, breaking the heavy silence and giving her a start. She sighed softly — it was probably the first attendants’ office calling to inform her that she had to put in an appearance at yet another social function. Xin Jie answered the phone and came to inform her, ‘It’s a call from Miss Fang.’
Mulan was probably the only person left who remembered her. She heard the former say, ‘Susu, happy birthday.’ Only then did she remember it and gave a soft exclamation of surprise.
Mulan said, ‘I was afraid you wouldn’t be in. I’ve invited a few old friends from the dance troupe out for a meal. Are you free to join us? Take it that we’re celebrating your birthday for you.’
A whole room of old friends began standing up one after another and smiling but not saying anything when they saw her enter. Only Mulan came up to welcome her and remarked, ‘I thought you wouldn’t be able to come today.’
She replied smilingly, ‘I was really happy when I got your call.’
Xiao Fan said with a laugh, ‘Goodness, I couldn’t recognise you at all from the photo in the papers last time. You’re getting more and more beautiful, but you’re so thin.’ With this remark, everyone began asking after her at once and they were all on warmer terms instantly.
The chrysanthemum hot pot was bubbling softly as pale blue flames gently licked the bottom of the gold-coloured copper pot. The thin, white steam reminded Susu of the special meals that the dance troupe used to have at small restaurants: they used to have hot pot as well and although less refined than this meal, the convivial atmosphere was just like the old days.
Xiao Fan was her usual buoyant self.
‘Susu, you’re so heartless, not keeping in touch with your old friends. We can only gaze at your pretty face sometimes when your photo appears in the papers.’
Mulan giggled and said, ‘Pay no attention to her, Susu. She already said she wanted to blackmail you today.’
Xiao Fan grinned broadly as she fished out a newspaper from her handbag, saying, ‘See, I kept it specially. It was such a nice photo.’
Susu reached out to take it. It was the family photo which had been taken at Weiyi’s wedding. She was standing behind Madam Murong and smiling faintly while Murong Qingyi stood beside her, one of the rare times where he was dressed in a Western suit. Above the bowtie was his familiar face, wearing an unfamiliar smile. In the eyes of strangers, their standing together like this was merely a portrait of perfect³ happiness.
³ 盡善盡美. Translation belongs to theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com.
Mulan took the newspaper from her and asked smilingly, ‘Xiao Fan, don’t tell me you want Susu to autograph the photo?’ before telling them, ‘The hot pot’s going to dry up. Hurry up and eat.’ At the same time, she raised her cup and said, ‘Birthday girl, you have to finish this toast.’
Only then did Susu smile and demur, ‘As though you don’t know me by now? Am I the type who can drink?’
Xiao Fan pointed out, ‘This plum wine is just like a soft drink, how can anyone get drunk on it?’
Mulan laughed as well and said, ‘None of us can drink alcohol. We’re just toasting you since it’s your birthday.’
Everyone chimed in in support and seeing that it would be ungracious of her not to accept their kindness, Susu had to take a sip.
Xiao Fan held up her cup and said, ‘Good. May you have today’s glory forever.’
Susu said, ‘I really can’t drink any more.’
Xiao Fan exclaimed in surprise and asked, ‘So you’ll only oblige Mulan but not me?’
Hearing her say this, Susu had no choice but to drink half a cup. With this precedent, everyone else began toasting her as well. Unable to refuse, she wound up having a few more drinks. Not having much of a head for alcohol, her ears were soon red, her face felt warm and her heart was racing. They all laughed and talked while eating and it was not until she had half a bowl of dessert soup that she felt slightly better.
She was driven home and after getting out of the car, the cold wind caused her to feel a little dizzy. Xin Jie came out to welcome her and after helping to take her handbag, announced beamingly, ‘San Gongzi is here.’
Taken aback, she looked in the direction of the sitting room. His figure was clearly outlined against the dark contours of the furniture. A fire seemed to blaze to life in her heart and there was a burning sensation in her stomach, as though it was not wine that she had just drunk but some corrosive poison instead. The expression he had caused her to lower her head and his voice was flinty as he questioned, ‘Ren Susu, you’re still willing to come home?’
Drunkenness was like a hammer landing heavy blows on her temples. The veins on her temples were throbbing lightly as though being pricked by some thorn. He seized her wrists in a grip so painful that she drew in a breath. As he released his grip, he pushed her away from him.
‘Looks like you’ve forgotten who you are. Where did you go to drink yourself into this state before coming home?’
She raised her head silently and gazed at him calmly and coolly. This cold indifference succeeded in enraging him — she was forever like this towards him: nothing he did ever shook her. With a swift motion, he swept all the cups off the table; the crashing sound finally caused her to flinch slightly.
He was only this worked up because a possession of his might be coveted by others. Disheartened⁴, she lowered her head again. Only he was allowed to not want her and even though he didn’t want her, no one else was permitted to have any designs on her. She couldn’t even be bothered to offer him an explanation; the only emotion left was an icy despair.
He stated, ‘I’ll never believe you again.’
A faint smile ghosted over her face. When had he ever believed her? Or rather, why did he need to believe her? She was as insignificant as a speck of dust in his life. The only thing he couldn’t tolerate was having this speck of dust in his eye, so he had to rub it away before he could be satisfied. If it weren’t for that, how could she have attracted such a busy person’s notice otherwise?
⁴ 心灰意懶. Please consider reading from theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com rather than from novelscraping sites.
The weather had turned even colder and it began raining again in the afternoon. She was alone, listening to the pitter-patter of rain which sounded like someone crying. She had never liked rainy days as a child: the wet and the cold meant that she could only be cooped up at home. But with the claustrophobic life she was leading now, she had become used to the sound of this rain pattering drop by drop on the broadleaved shrubs, clear and chilly, like a low murmur beside her ears. This rain was the only thing that knew her now, as though Heaven knew what people wanted and was weeping on their behalf until dawn. Perhaps Heaven had really taken pity on her and had sent the misty rain to keep her company while she was all alone.
She took a piece of blank paper and began writing a letter to Mulan. After penning just three lines, she paused and stared off into space. A moment’s thought later, she flipped open a book and thrust the note inside where there was still a line that had been penned last year: ‘Even if a beautifully worded letter can be procured with gold, To whom can I deliver this tender heart?’5
Now that things had come to such a pass, even such a desire was pointless.
(93% || Approx. 2323 | 2330 words)
| 🎶 |
《太相愛你》sung by Jeff Chang,
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(Want to Love You) So Badly |
In the rush of the city ★ Concealed behind that meekness Want to love you so badly, it’s an urge I can’t conceal Bridge Repeat ★ Want to love you so badly, it’s an urge I can’t conceal |
12’s notes:
² ‘A beauty was wan for three years’ — my attempt at rendering 玉颜憔悴三年.
5 Translation came from this book, full credit goes to the talented translator.
Edited after post was published.
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©
Translated and edited by 12
hiding in plain sight 