‘Everyone in the nine northern provinces knows about your relationship with Sixth Marshal — my family cannot be subjected to such mortification.’
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Ch. 12.1
As Jingwan was still weak, even a short conversation was sufficient to tire her out, hence she fell into a deep sleep. When she next awoke it was nearly dawn and a sliver of faint greyish light was peeping through a crack in the curtains. Murong Feng was sitting in a chair in front of the bed, his face turned upwards and frowning because of the uncomfortable position he was sleeping in. A woollen blanket was draped over him, most likely placed by an aide after Murong Feng had fallen asleep for he was still in the Western suit of the previous evening.
A morning breeze was stirring the curtains as well as the baby hairs on his forehead, which had the effect of slightly softening the normally imperious¹ cast of his face. Looking at him now, he had more of the amiability and handsomeness of an ordinary young man, even a hint of quiet immaturity, except that his lips were very thin and still compressed even in sleep, forming a determined line.
¹ 氣勢凌人 qìshìlíngrén. If you’re not reading this chapter at hiding in plain sight, it has been stolen and reproduced by novelscraping sites.
Jingwan lay lost in thought for a few seconds and then stirred slightly. The movement caused a twinge around her wound and she couldn’t repress a murmur of pain. Soft as the sound was, it caused Murong Feng to jerk awake. He tossed the blanket aside and got up to see how she was.
‘What’s wrong?’
His expression was full of tender solicitude while his eyes were bloodshot — despite being very busy with official duties these last few days, he had still sat by her bedside throughout the night. This realisation touched her and she replied softly, ‘I’m all right.’
He yawned and remarked, ‘It’s almost dawn. Last night I had only planned on sitting here for a while but who knew I would end up sleeping here.’
Jingwan said, ‘Please go back first to rest, Sixth Marshal.’
Murong Feng commented, ‘I have to start work in a while anyway.’ He looked at her and offered smilingly, ‘I’ll keep you company for a while more.’
Faintly startled, she instinctively dropped her gaze and asked with a smile, ‘Da Ge (Elder Brother), has Xu Jianzhang returned yet?’
Murong Feng then summoned an attendant in to ask.
The attendant replied, ‘Master Xu got drunk last night. Commander Yu arranged to have him sent home. He’s now resting in his room.’
Jingwan was rather miffed when she heard this and Murong Feng commented, ‘He must have been worried about your injury and took to alcohol to drown his sorrows, so it’s inevitable that he had a drop too much.’
She went ‘mhm’ as Murong Feng added, ‘The doctor said that you can already eat, but it has to be soft food. What do you feel like having? I’ll get the kitchen to prepare it.’
Although Jingwan had no appetite, she couldn’t bring herself to refuse his kindness when she saw him gazing so solicitously at her hence she answered, ‘Just some congee will be fine.’
The kitchen was quick to fulfil her request and in a short while a servant came in with a food basket containing piping hot smooth congee made with short grain rice, served with six types of pickles from Jinzhou. The congee was aromatic and the pickles fresh and salty; Murong Feng observed with a laugh, ‘Now I’m hungry too.’ Lan Qin had been ladling out food for Jingwan and after she heard this, hastily ladled out a bowl for him too.
A servant from the main house then asked, ‘Will you be washing up here, Sixth Marshal?’ Murong Feng returned an affirmative answer and went into the bathroom to perform his morning ablutions. This was his bedroom so it had everything he used.
As Jingwan’s movements were quite restricted by her wound, Lan Qin and another maid, Xiuyun, had come in with a basin of water and a towel and were helping her with her ablutions when they heard an attendant outside saying, ‘Good morning, Master Xu. Miss Yin just woke up.’
Hearing that it was Xu Jianzhang, Jingwan was just about to say something when Murong Feng called out from the bathroom, ‘Jingwan, who is it? If it’s Jiaping, ask him to wait outside for a bit.’
Xu Jianzhang had just entered the room only to hear him saying this, which caused his expression to change slightly.
Feeling the awkwardness of the situation, Jingwan hastily called out, ‘Da Ge, it’s Jianzhang.’
Murong Feng came out buttoning his coat and acknowledging Xu Jianzhang with a brief nod of his head. He then turned to Jingwan and remarked, ‘It’s already seven. Looks like I can’t have breakfast with you at this rate.’
Jingwan replied, ‘Please don’t mind me, Da Ge.’ Struck by the awkwardness of the atmosphere, she could not but pay close attention to Xu Jianzhang’s expression and noticed that he was already looking very reluctant, as though highly uncomfortable.
² 以禮相待 yǐlǐ-xiāngdài. Translation belongs to theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com.
After Murong Feng left, Jingwan ate some congee. She was already feeling somewhat listless and after Lan Qin had cleared away the dishes and gone out, she looked at Xu Jianzhang. Seeing his eyes fixed on her, she said, ‘Don’t get the wrong idea — Sixth Marshal and I are sworn brother and sister and he’s always treated me with due respect².’
Xu Jianzhang made an assenting sound but then repeated, ‘You’re sworn brother and sister.’
Perceiving the flatness of his tone but also noticing his drained appearance, Jingwan was not sure whether to feel annoyed or to take pity on him and thus said defiantly, ‘Just say whatever’s on your mind. After all, I know I’ve never betrayed you.’
The corners of Xu Jianzhang’s mouth quivered faintly and his expression was highly disagreeable, but then he averted his gaze. After a long pause, he finally announced, ‘Jingwan, I’m going to go back to Qianping.’
Jingwan’s heart sank all of a sudden. She had been pale from blood loss ever since being injured and now looked even more ashen as she asked, ‘Why?’
Xu Jianzhang replied calmly, ‘I didn’t leave before this because I had been worried about you. And then after hearing that you had been shot, leaving you here alone was out of the question. But now it looks like your being here is not a problem, so I’m going to go home and see how my family is.’
An angry and anxious Jingwan questioned, ‘You must have heard some rumours, that’s why you suspect me, isn’t it so? Am I that kind of person?’ She then proceeded to tell him about everything that had happened in Chengzhou, briefly explained the attempted coup by Xu and Chang and finished by saying, ‘To save your life, I agreed to put on an act with Sixth Marshal in front of everyone. There’s nothing going on between us — it’s up to you whether you believe it or not.’
Listening to her explanation of the whole story, of how she had not hesitated to sacrifice her good name to save his life, Xu Jianzhang’s lips parted and he seemed to be on the verge of saying something but checked himself in the end. Despite thinking it over countless times, despite recognising what was at stake and knowing that he had no choice but to give her up, he almost changed his mind when he saw her limpid eyes fixed on him. A film reel seemed to be playing in his mind, alternating between scenes of their time together in Qianping, then switching to his elderly mother and younger brothers and the heavy responsibilities that he could not put down. He thought of those days when he had been arrested and thrown behind bars, when everything had seemed hopeless, that paralysing sense of terror. He recalled Commander Yu’s words: ‘which is more important’… ‘which is more important’…
He thought of the way his dying father had gripped his hand, unable to gasp out even a single word, only managing to gesture feebly at the younger siblings standing by the bedside. His mother and younger siblings had already lost their father, they could not afford to lose him too — if he really acted recklessly, how would he be able to face his father in the afterlife next time?
Gritting his teeth, he finally hardened his heart and stated, ‘Jingwan, the Xu family is an old-fashioned one and I can’t give my mother cause to be upset. Everyone in the nine northern provinces knows about your relationship with Sixth Marshal — my family cannot be subjected to such mortification. Jingwan, although you haven’t betrayed me, I have no choice but to let you down.’
At these words, Jingwan felt as though she had been suddenly stabbed in the heart; that kind of indignant fury was beyond description. She only felt an icy-cold sensation in her limbs and a throbbing pain in her chest so deep that it hurt even to draw breath: she had no idea whether it was the wound or her heart that hurt so much. Unable to even draw a deep breath, she asked in a voice that shook, ‘Xu Jianzhang, you’re actually going to do this to me?’
He was silent while her eyes blurred until she could no longer see him clearly and her voice sounded utterly unlike herself as she continued, ‘You don’t want me any more just because of this?’
His lips were compressed as though afraid that he would blurt something out.
Her face was drained of colour as she questioned, ‘You’ve been given a modern education as well. You’re still using such a reason to treat me this way, and in this day and age?’
Xu Jianzhang finally gave voice to all his pent-up grievances as he stated, ‘Yes, I’m devoid of gratitude³, but have you ever spared a thought for me? You may have sacrificed your good name to save my life, but it’s a kindness I can’t afford.’ It was not until the words had left his mouth that he seemed to realise what he had just said. Jingwan was gazing at him in despair; blanching, he pressed his lips tightly together and did not utter another word.
³ 忘恩負義 wàng’ēn-fùyì. Please consider reading from theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com rather than from novelscraping sites.
Her lips trembled before the corners gradually curled upwards in a melancholic smile.
‘Good, Xu Jianzhang, good, to think that I was utterly wrong about you.’
She drew a breath and it caught in her throat, causing her to cough uncontrollably which then touched off a spasm around her chest wound so painful that she couldn’t breathe. Lan Qin had already come in and, after seeing how her whole face had turned red and was beaded in cold sweat from her efforts at suppressing the pain, hastily helped to support her. By then, Jingwan was in so much pain that she could not speak. A panicked Lan Qin shouted for the doctors, the nurses came running in and they all clustered round her anxiously.
An upset Xu Jianzhang took a step back; he wanted to go nearer the bed but that one step felt heavier than a dead weight and he was simply unable to do it, so he remained where he was.
(Approx. 1850 words)
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