Pan’er has a tempestuous relationship with her father, Murong Qingyi, and she is convinced that there’s more to her mother’s death than meets the eye. A mysterious note and an overheard conversation send her on a quest to find out what really happened.
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Ch. 1
Raindrops fall on the window panes, giving out a soft pattering sound, leaving elliptical streaks. Before these streaks can scatter, they are made whole by yet another elliptical drop. More and more of these ellipses appear, getting thicker and thicker, while long rivulets of water stream down the window and keep trickling down…
My mother’s dressing table sits below the window. I was told she had loved the rain. I can’t remember what she looked like and I have never once seen a photograph of her. But so many elders tell me that I resemble her closely, which is why I’m always looking at my own reflection. I am a very pretty girl but — no more than pretty — and my prettiness comes from having a beauty for a mother. Everyone says that my mother was not merely pretty, but beautiful. Whenever Uncle Lei talks about my mother, he tells me, ‘“One glance and a city falls, one more and an empire crumbles¹.” Do you understand?’
I don’t think he exaggerates for whenever I casually question old family friends, almost all of them will go into rhapsodies.
‘San Gongzi’s wife? Oh, a beauty, a real beauty… .’
Oh, I forgot to mention: San Gongzi was my father’s nickname when he was in the prime of his life and a favourite with the ladies. He was also known for being roused to passionate anger over beautiful women. I’ve heard many stories about him but not once has anyone talked about him and Mother, nor does he mention it himself. I don’t think it’s because there’s nothing to talk about. Quite the opposite in fact. With such a beauty for a mother and a personality like my father, how could there not be a spectacular story behind them? I’m sure of it!
All the uncles say I’ve inherited my mother’s looks and my father’s character: fiery-tempered and stopping at nothing to get what I want². I admit that I’m fickle, impatient and quick to anger, exactly like my impetuous father. But I think the word ‘unscrupulous’² is too harsh — I’m just the type who doesn’t rest until I get what I want and am not one to compromise, that’s all.
² 不擇手段 bùzé-shǒuduàn. If you’re not reading this chapter at hiding in plain sight, it has been stolen and reproduced by novelscraping sites.
Every time I mention my mother, Father either blows his top or turns and walks away which has me more convinced than ever that there’s a story behind all this — a riddle I long to solve, a search for an answer I’ve been pursuing. I don’t believe there isn’t any way to prove there is such a story.
A steady drizzle was falling at twilight while I was looking for books in the big study. I was sitting on a ladder and flipping through the thread-bound old editions when I happened to come to a page. A thin piece of paper fluttered out like a nimble butterfly and slipped to the floor. I thought it was a bookmark at first but when I picked it up, it turned out to be a piece of plain paper with only a few words on it:
Mu Lan: Forgive me for not being able to meet with you any more. Our last meeting caused him to fly into a rage which was too frightening a scene. He didn’t believe me — he says he’ll never believe me again — I’m in despair.
The handwriting was careful and delicate and I had never seen it before. I stood there staring before turning the book over to have a look. It was a volume from Lyric Poetry of the Song Dynasty. The note was tucked into a page from the anonymous song cycle, The Nine Looms which read:
On loom eight.
Don’t know who wrote this palindrome.
What I have woven turns into tiers of desolate feelings.
Line by line I read it through.
Sick and tired — unable to say a thing,
Unable to bear the thought of it again.³
Next to this stanza was a line of small characters penned in that delicate handwriting: ‘Unable to bear the thought of it again.’ ‘Even if a beautifully worded letter can be procured with gold, To whom can I deliver this tender heart?’ ⁴
I began to wonder: this wasn’t Grandmama’s handwriting, nor was it that of my two aunties. Whose handwriting could it be? Who could have written a note in the study? Could it actually have been my mother?
Just like my father, to think is to act so I decided to investigate this Mu Lan. I telephoned Uncle Lei. As soon as he heard my voice, he laughed and asked, ‘Now what is it this time, Eldest Missy? I hope it’s not going to be like the last time when you wanted me to help you find a long-lost classmate.’
I answered laughingly, ‘Uncle Lei, I still have to trouble you to find someone for me again.’
Uncle Lei only sighed and said, ‘Which fellow is daring enough to avoid you? Wait till I drag him out and make him apologise to you!’
His teasing made me laugh. ‘Uncle Lei, it’s more troublesome this time. All I know is that she’s called Mu Lan. I don’t know if that means her surname is Mu and her name Lan or if her name is Mulan. I don’t know her age or what she looks like — I don’t even know if she’s still alive. Uncle Lei, you have to help me think of a way to find her.’
Uncle Lei did not reply and was silent for a long while before asking abruptly, ‘Why do you want to look for her? Does your father know?’
I was sharp enough to sense the warning in his words. Was there some obstacle in this affair, some barrier placed by my father?
I asked, ‘What has Father got to do with this?’
Uncle Lei fell silent for another long pause before saying, ‘Pan’er, Mulan is dead, long dead. She was also… in that car.’
Thunderstruck, I stammered, ‘She was also in the car… She and Mama…’
Uncle Lei answered, ‘Yes, she was a good friend of your mother’s and was with her that day.’
The only lead was broken. I don’t know how I hung up. I only sat there staring into space. Dead? She had been in the same accident as my mother? She had been my mother’s close friend and happened to be accompanying my mother that day…
I sat there in a daze for a very long time, not knowing when Father came home, not even knowing when the sky turned dark. Only when Ah Zhu came to call me to dinner did I start up from my daze and hurry down to the dining room.
Father was sitting there waiting for me. He had gone to Pumen to inspect the battalions today so he was in full military dress. Father is extremely dashing when he’s in full uniform, more so than when he wears Western-style suits. Even at this age and despite his lightly greying temples, he still has a soldierly bearing, a kind of uncompromising, steely presence.
Father’s gaze was as cold as ever and he came straight to the point5 with me. ‘Your Uncle Lei just called to tell me that you asked him to look for Mulan.’
To be betrayed so quickly was a surprise. I tried to think of an excuse but couldn’t so I looked directly at Father and admitted, ‘I heard that she was a good friend of Mother’s so I wanted to look for her, but Uncle Lei said she had already died.’
5 開門見山 kāimén-jiànshān. Translation belongs to theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com.
Father kept his piercing gaze trained on me for a full ten seconds which had me holding my breath the entire time. Finally he said, ‘I’ve told you umpteen times not to pester your uncles with these pointless matters. They are all busy men with important things to attend to. Do you understand?’
I mm’d in response and his gaze returned to his food. Relieved, I lowered my head and continued eating.
The next day, I got up uncharacteristically early. The house was perfectly quiet and I wandered around alone until I ended up in the kitchens. They had not expected me to be up so early and got a fright.
Zhang Ma asked hastily, ‘What would you like to eat, Eldest Missy? You’re up very early today.’
I asked, ‘Where’s Father?’
‘Sir went out very early this morning.’ Zhang Ma added eagerly, ‘Why not have some porridge, Missy? The Master had two bowls today.’
Father has always been a fussy eater so the kitchen always takes their cues from how much he eats of any particular dish. I looked around noncommittally, found a sandwich and took a bite — it wasn’t too bad. Zhang Ma quickly poured me a glass of hot milk.
While eating, I asked her casually, ‘Zhang Ma, you’ve been with us for ten years at least, right?’
Zhang Ma answered, ‘That’s right, I was already working in the kitchen when you were just a baby, Eldest Missy.’
I smiled at her, put down the empty glass and asked, ‘So you’ve always worked in the kitchen?’
Zhang Ma replied, ‘Oh no, I came here when you were just a year old. Before me there was a Wu Ma, she had always been working here. I wonder if you still remember her.’
I said, ‘A little bit.’ Then I asked, ‘Where did this Wu Ma go afterwards?’
Zhang Ma replied, ‘Well, she retired more than ten years ago. She was already in her fifties then and I don’t know if she’s still around now.’
I nodded and remarked, ‘I only remember that she was very good at folding napkins and I always wanted her to fold me a butterfly.’
Zhang Ma laughed with me.
After a moment’s thought, I asked again, ‘Where was Wu Ma from? Where would she have gone after leaving our service?’
Zhang Ma thought for a moment before shaking her head and saying, ‘Well now, I don’t rightly recall since it’s been more than ten years already.’
I said ‘Oh’ and Zhang Ma added with a laugh, ‘You had better go back to the dining room, Eldest Missy. It’s hot and dirty here, not the place for you.’
I agreed and walked out of the kitchen but then decided to ask them to fry me an egg so I turned back. I had just reached the kitchen door when I heard the chef’s voice.
‘Why is Eldest Missy interested in an old servant?’
I was taken aback and my steps slowed, only to hear Zhang Ma say, ‘What do you all know? Didn’t you hear Eldest Missy asking about Mulan last night? She’s trying to find out more about Madam.’
The chef wondered, ‘If it’s about Madam, why doesn’t she ask the Master about it? Why is she asking around herself?’
Zhang Ma lowered her voice and I had to put my ear to the door to hear her reply softly, ‘Do you even know what was wrong with that Madam? I heard it from those old servants myself: the first wife who gave birth to Eldest Missy was an indecent woman. She used to be a dancer so you can just imagine the kind of morals she had. She was fooling around even after her marriage. I even heard that this Eldest Missy isn’t actually the Master’s own daughter…’
I was gripping the carved decorative patterns on the door desperately while gulping for air to stop myself from passing out. Everything in the corridor was going round and round before me until my head swam and my eyes blurred. I couldn’t hear the rest of what Zhang Ma was saying because there was a loud roaring in my ears, like a plane about to descend. I took a stumbling step back, nearly fell but banged into a flowerpot by the door.
Zhang Ma sharply asked who it was as I rushed blindly upstairs to my room, slammed the door shut and flung myself on the bed, burying my head under the pillows. But the voices in my head were getting louder and clearer: ‘Indecent! Indecent…’
Ah Zhu rapped on the door from outside and kept calling, ‘Eldest Missy! What’s the matter? Eldest Missy…’
‘Leave me alone!’ I shrieked and hurled a bolster at the door.
Ah Zhu did not dare make another sound and I lay on the bed, an ice-cold teardrop running down my cheek, before a whole cluster came surging out of my eyes. I never knew that I could cry so easily as I lay prostrate on the bed, crying my heart out. Never had I imagined that the mother whom I was trying so stubbornly to track down would be an indecent woman in the eyes of others. Nor had I ever dreamt that I wasn’t Father’s biological daughter…
I had not cried so hard since the age of four.
Two hours later, wearing a house dress, my eyes red and puffy and my hair a mess, I sped past the front door in my car. The sentries there were so shocked they didn’t even react and by the time they picked up the phone and called the attendants’ office, my car was already past the ornate main gate.
Twenty minutes later I entered the bustling downtown area. My car phone rang and I picked up the call. It was Father’s main personal secretary, You Bojun, and he sounded utterly flustered and exasperated6 as he asked, ‘Where are you, Eldest Missy?’
I replied witheringly, ‘How very efficient you are. The attendants’ office notified you so quickly? When are you going to report me to my father?’
He replied impatiently, ‘Sir doesn’t know about this yet. Eldest Missy, running out like this is a serious breach of security protocols.’
6 氣急敗壞 qìjí-bàihuài. Please consider reading from theresanother(DOT)wordpress(DOT)com rather than from novelscraping sites.
My attitude was still very bad as I retorted, ‘No one will do anything to me on such a busy street so you don’t have to worry!’
He said, ‘Eldest Missy, nothing good will come of blowing the matter up. I’ll get someone from the attendants’ office to go pick you up.’
I hung up on him unceremoniously.
(Approx. 2356 words)
12’s notes:
³ I forget where I came across this translation nor has Google turned up anything so far. My apologies for the lack of a link to the source. All credit goes to the anonymous and talented translator. EDIT: Many thanks to Stumblmer for finding the source!
⁴ Translation came from this book, full credit goes to the talented translator.
23rd March 2020: Edited paragraphs for clarity.
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©
Translated and edited by 12
hiding in plain sight 
Same poem translation was quoted on p.74 of the thesis linked here at https://open.library.ubc.ca/media/download/pdf/831/1.0090638/1&ved=2ahUKEwiprNa969TlAhWmmOAKHWCEAfMQFjAJegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw1HyESWULO23ygsmTRO26Xx
No idea if that thesis quote may have been taken from prior translation as referenced on this bibliography link as item 2 http://poetrytranslation.litphil.sinica.edu.tw/chinesepoetry/dynasties/show_bibs_from_dynasty/10/0/15/Poet.name/
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🤩 Your Google-fu is strong, Stumblmer! Thank you for the links! 💕
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